Today I witnessed an adoption.

You all know that wasn’t my first – I absolutely love watching the court validate and make official what God has knit together between a family and a child.  It’s beautiful.  It’s a living picture of how He loves us.

But today was different.  Today, I witnessed a little girl I loved deeply, who was my daughter for just over a year, be knit forever into a family I adore.  Sweet M (now Claire Andrea!) is forever my good friend Lisa’s daughter and I couldn’t be happier for them.

But I couldn’t help but be choked up bearing witness to the official proceedings.  Walking into the courthouse it felt like the other adoptions I have attended, until I walked up to Lisa to greet her, hugged her extra tight, we both choked up and my eyes filled with tears, feeling the weight of mama emotions the day held for both of us in different ways.  I can not begin to explain how right it felt to watch the baby I snuggled what feels like so long ago, who has turned into a sweet, spunky, beautiful spitfire of a little girl with her forever family.  Today, even through the emotions of it all, was a both a culmination and beginning for Claire.

Joy born out of loss.

And it was so beautiful.

Even through the cloudy vision of my tear-filled eyes I could see the radiance on the faces of her family.  The pain of letting her go a year ago has come full circle.  She is the adored, longed for daughter of their hearts.  And I am so thrilled to have been used by God to be a tiny bit of her story.

After the court proceedings, it was party time.  I picked up some of my other kiddos and we headed over to their house for snacks and cake.  It was SO fun to see her interacting with Sam, Jonah, Hannah and Bekkah.  Not as siblings anymore, but buddies….the best of friends.  It did my heart so much good to not see my kids hurting and longing for her to be their “sister” anymore, but to authentically enjoy playing with her and for her to not be confused and scared when we come over to see her, but to know security in her family but somehow remembering that we have a special bond.  I love it.  In my mind I can envision park play dates, birthday parties, sleepovers, etc. as these kiddos all grow up in families as close as ours.

It is so beautiful.

Thank you Lisa, for allowing us to be a part of your amazing day today.  And for acknowledging how special this whole situation is.  I’m so thankful for you. God really does build the best families.

Another blog so soon?? I know, shocking right??

Tonight was moms’ night out for me. I know MNO is a thing across the nation but I wanted you all to know a little secret about why MY tribe of mamas is so special.

We are all first and foremost moms. We have each both birthed and adopted at least one child. Most of us have larger than normal families. We are all from different walks of life, some with different values, backgrounds, etc. We are a hodgepodge of different ages and have had very different experiences. But the giant thing we have in common is we are all foster and adoptive moms.

We can be REAL with each other. Not just “friend” real, but really authentically real. We have discussed the most difficult things about living this life and continue to encourage one another to push on, to help more kids, to do our best at this high calling. We bounce ideas off each other about parenting these kids from hard places. We support one another through the grief of loss, elation of placement and adoption, waiting in the midst and everything in between. We give each other parenting advice and offer support and breaks when we are hovering at the brink. We make each other meals, have spontaneous park and coffee dates, and hang out with each other whenever we possibly can.

They are my tribe. I count on each of them. They are the first people I run to with issues, I can’t wait to tell them all when we receive a placement call, and they are the MOST excited for us each time we are placed with a precious little one. They step up and offer baby gear, we swap clothes and toys, and we provide respite for each other.

I need them.

I need the mental break of checking in with these women that know me better than anyone else. I need the encouragement that I receive when I’m doing my best and it doesn’t feel like enough. None of these mamas would dream of saying “Oh it’s too much? But you knew it and you chose this”….we have all chosen this life of pouring ourselves out for these kiddos and would do it again, even on our hardest day. But we can be vulnerable and know we will be met with acceptance and love.

I pray every foster/adoptive mama finds a tribe like mine. They make this walk so much easier, and I would wish that for every family like mine.

And to my amazing best friends – Steph, Shantel, Ingrid, Lisa, Patte and Haley – I love you each so deeply. Thank you for being you, for loving vulnerable kids, for understanding me in all my insecurities, and for walking alongside me. Thank you for sanity breaks, park play dates, coffee mornings, dinners out and all of our convos in between. You are each precious gifts from God to me and I cherish each of you. ❤️

This pic was taken tonight – missing two of us and not an amazing pic of any of us but whatev, we were there to relax and be ourselves….lots of laughs, stories and most of all nods of understanding from others who “get it”.

Priceless. ❤️❤️

“The Lord will guide you always; He will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame.  You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.  Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins and will raise up the age-old foundations; you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls, Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.” Isaiah 58: 11-12

A blog post has been ruminating in my heart for a bit now, but today I felt a strong pull to write.  I’m still not sure what this will be about.  The scripture above has been on my heart a lot lately, it’s so weighty and chock full of promise.

Everyone who follows me on facebook will know that after taking our foster license off hold in early October we had a few placements to which we said yes but none of them resulted in a child needing our home, we were placed with a precious newborn baby girl directly from the hospital about two weeks ago.  I have to be purposefully vague about her story to protect her family’s confidentiality, but she has been so fun.  When Ryan and I stepped forward in obedience returning to our role as active foster parents, we really weren’t sure what it would look like and how we all would adjust.  It has been so sweet.  Our kids adore having miss N in our home.  She’s held pretty much non-stop and we are all drinking in her newborn sweetness.

Tomorrow she moves on to another home.  A suitable relative was found for her and we couldn’t be happier.  Her mom will have family support to raise her sweet baby girl, and N will have a forever family (should she need it).  Restoration for her family is sweet but always comes at a cost.  Two weeks of loving and attachment in our family – only ten days since she left the hospital – but we have been purposeful and all-in with loving these babies and she is no exception.  We snuggle, take lots of photos, shower her with kisses and keep her safe – pretty much everything we would do for any baby.

And so the flip side is that we will mourn – grief is normal and natural.  We knew it was coming – and honestly, I welcome the feeling because with it comes the knowledge that I have done my job as well as I could once again.  I loved her completely as her stand-in mama.  I have been on the verge of tears all day because I do love her.  Even in her going to a wonderful situation, we allow ourselves to feel sad in her going, knowing that we gave her every little bit of love that her fuzzy, downy soft baby head deserves.

And the other part, the saddest part, is that there will always be another baby who needs us.  Maybe not tomorrow, or next week, but the sad fact of our city is that there’s a giant need for other families like us.  People who will allow their hearts to break just a little by allowing children in, and giving them the love they deserve and need to be whole.  If you’ve ever been interested in foster care, Ryan and I are an open book.  Happy to share our experiences and what it takes to be licensed in Wisconsin.

Those tiny toes are why we do this.  Why we allow our hearts to be vulnerable over and over.  Because she deserves a mama that takes a million pictures of her at every phase.  A mama who marvels at her sweet tinyness at 2am when she needs her tiny tummy filled.  A mama who allows herself to feel broken – even just for this moment in time – at the thought of passing her warm little self on to another set of arms.

I know I blogged about this similarly in the past, so maybe this is just for me.  Getting my thoughts out is cathartic, even if it is just for me to look back on and validate how I was feeling.

Standing on His promises to guide us, satisfy our needs, and give strength to us as we outwork this calling on our lives to be doing the work of repair and restoration of these families by loving the kiddos that come into our home.

In foster care, changes either happen very quickly or tend to drag out.  Both situations require patience and flexibility in different ways.

In the first, we receive a phone call for a waiting child who (if we accept placement) is delivered to our door by a social worker or pickup by us is arranged within a very short amount of time, typically an hour or two.  It is a like a tornado with the fabric of our lives being changed in the instant of the phone call.  We launch into action mode, no matter what time of day it is, and begin collecting the things we need, setting up sleeping arrangements, alerting our tribe of friends and family of the things we need, and quickly cleaning in readiness to add another person to our lives.  I can give many examples, but the one that comes to mind the most easily is when we were called for Jonah.  The social worker called me from the courthouse, asked me if I was willing to take a medically fragile 6 week old baby.  I asked a few questions and quickly said yes.  She said “Great, I have the baby in my arms right now, see you in ten minutes.”  With virtually no time to prepare, to wonder, to wait, this tiny life was brought into our home and once again the dynamic shifted.

The other circumstance, the waiting, is what I am going to focus on today.  So many things are uncertain in this world of fostering, one of which is the ever changing situations which a child is in when they are ‘in the system’.  Sometimes the social workers will ask the placement agency to find a foster home when they are not 100% certain yet if a child will actually be placed in foster care.  There are many plates that are spinning when a case is under investigation – determining if a child needs a placement outside of the home, if a suitable relative can quickly be found, what type of needs the child might have, and if they need a foster home, what would be the best fit.  So there are times when we are called for a placement, we say yes, and then we wait.  There is often little information shared beyond age and gender – we are told as much as they know but the reality is they just don’t know right away.  We understand as foster parents that we are the fall back plan, as it should be.  If any family can be found, that is the most ideal, any relative home would be a more familiar place for a child than a complete stranger.

But the waiting –  from the perspective of the foster family – is slow torture.  You say yes, then sit and wonder what the child looks like, how he/she will fit in the family, how your life is about to potentially change in a big way, what his/her bio-parents are like, etc.  We think about how long the placement could go, what happened (we don’t usually know much if at all), and just how are we going to make the dynamic in our home work with a new addition, all the while knowing that in the space of a quick phone call or email the situation can change yet again in one direction or another.  It’s excruciating, especially when there’s little to no communication the workers can offer in the middle of sorting out what direction the case is going.

Learning to wait – hopefully patiently – is what God is in the middle of teaching us so far in this leg of our foster journey.  As I blogged last time we waited and prepared for about a week for a tiny preemie who never ended up coming to our home since he thankfully ended up having a willing and suitable relative home to go to.  It was right, but we were of course a little bummed after the week of mental gymnastics trying to sort out how it was all going to work.

And now we are in a similar place of waiting once again.  I can’t share much but am hopeful that we will have a relatively definitive answer today and an end to the wait.  We accepted the tentative placement on Friday and today is Tuesday.  I know that doesn’t sound very long, but a long weekend full of wondering and dreaming and obsessing and sorting out how this particular situation would change our lives felt sooooo long.  I wanted to start preparing, to round up what we would need, to shop and post about it to borrow the larger items we know we will need so we can feel prepared just in case; that desire feels much like nesting in the final stages of pregnancy to me….wanting to ready the space to receive a new life into it and have everything we need, but without the certainty of a fairly definitive yes, we held off on preparations.  In many ways, this placement would be harder and a bigger change than the preemie, but we know we are up for the challenge and God has spoken very clearly to Ryan about it.  I will share in a later post once this is resolved, how big and clear and amazing it was to hear a yes from my husband on this one, but it would be impossible to blog about it without giving some details I just can’t share yet.

And so we wait….I have a feeling today is going to be a LONG day.

So back in April I posted about how we would be “done” doing foster care.  As is usual with my life, we make decisions and God laughs and shows us He has another plan.

Miss M moved out in April.  We grieved having fully loved her baby sweetness and yet knowing she needed a forever family and we were not going to be it, that it was right for her to move to a permanent home.  She’s doing fantastic.  We see her often, especially at park play dates and the kids have adjusted to the new relationship they have as her park protectors, haha.  She is animated, sweet, and getting so big….and we are forever blessed to be able to watch her grow as her extended family.

We have taken the past six months to be very intentional with our kids.  Our four little ones each have wounds from their traumatic pasts that have manifested in different ways.  We are consistently looking for ways to help them heal.  We have seen a lot of good in a lot of things by focusing on each of their areas of need.

In addition I feel like I have personally taken a giant gulp of fresh air.  Ten years of fostering with little breaks here and there between babies and toddlers left me dry and feeling unable to form a complete thought.  I really didn’t remember who I was and what I enjoyed doing with ‘free time’.  I am enjoying, truly enjoying, my time while the kids are in school and Bekkah is in 4K for the mornings.  I take time in the Word, get work done in silence, and sometimes climb back in bed and rest.  It has been a season of so much depth for me, it’s hard to explain really.

But God…

A few weeks ago, I had several repetitive dreams that left me feeling very unsettled, like God was speaking to me about a change coming again.  That was followed by a chain of events and multiple conversations with Ryan, ending with us being on one accord with the plan of going forward SLOWLY back into the world of active foster parents.  We talked to all four of our big kids to be sure they were 100% on board (we would not be able to effectively live this life without our kids being very settled and positive about fostering again….we have always said this is a family ministry, not just something God has called Ryan and I to do, and we stand by it still), we set parameters that we agreed upon and felt good about, and began to crack open the door.

The need for foster families in our community is immense, and growing larger every month.  We couldn’t continue on knowing we are able to easily do something to help.  As you all know, we moved last summer and when we moved, our foster license was put on a hold – since a foster license is home-specific.  So the first step was to request the moving packet, fill out all the paperwork and ensure our home was compliant with the law.  We had the agency walk through two weeks ago today, and she indicated it was busy and we wouldn’t need to wait long for a call…and she was right.

The first night after our home inspection we were called at 1am for a set of school age twins.  The second night we were called at 11pm for a toddler.  I can further explain in a future blog how we decide when to say yes vs no if anyone is interested, but please know we do not take the process of saying no lightly.  It is VERY HARD knowing there’s a child sitting at a police station, hospital or in a social worker’s office and hanging up the phone whispering a silent prayer that the next call will be to a home that can say yes even though we could not.  The guilt/pain feeling is immensely difficult and lasts usually into the next day for me as I continue to pray as often as they come to mind for the heart of the child, that a foster home was able to be found, and that the child will be a perfect fit into their home for whatever time it will be.  We know with our house what will work generally and what won’t.  We know that every move is detrimental on a child so we do our best to only say yes when we know it will work for us.

Anyhow, I digress….so two weeks ago Monday was the home inspection and the first call, Tuesday was the second call, and Wednesday morning was the third call.  In this case, the third time was the charm and we said yes to the placement of a preemie baby boy.  Before you get too excited, after a week of whirlwind of preparations (since we gave away every bit of of our baby stuff when we decided to be done fostering last spring) and delays, the social worker was able to secure a relative home that was willing and appropriate to care for the tiny little guy.  We are thrilled for him – appropriate family is always best.

So now we wait for the next placement who needs us.  In the meantime, last weekend we were able to flex our baby caring muscles with a quick overnight respite placement which whet the appetites of everyone in the house to having baby sweetness around.  He was adorable, easy and absolutely the most exciting thing to happen around here in a while.  I think everyone is ready to dive back into it.  We do not know what it will look like, how long we will foster this time and how everyone will do the next time we have a child for a time and grieve their departure.  But for now, we know what we are doing is right.  God has called us to it for this time and we are resting in knowing that He delights in our obedience.  And for now, that’s all that we need to know.

So much change over the past few months.

Miss M leaving, our oldest graduating, our older boys spending the summer up north, moving to a new house, all of the kids starting school….major life events always bring a mixture of emotions.  Today’s blog post is going to be kind of sappy, so if you’re not up for that today, feel free to keep scrolling. 🙂

Andrew, I’m sorry in advance if this embarrasses you.  You say all the time that you’re the “trial model” so I get to vent all the feelings I’m having about this new phase of life, starting with you.  I sincerely apologize.

A few weeks ago, I stood during worship at church next to my oldest son.  My first sweet baby is now an adult young man who towers over me…and it’s all still odd to me.  Wasn’t he just born?  I remember the day I brought him home and fell asleep laying next to him in bed, with his tiny fingers wrapped around my index finger and marveling that we actually had a real live baby, like it was just a short bit ago.  How is he already a grown adult?

As I stood there singing, I looked over at him and was suddenly overwhelmed with emotion.  This giant was once my little boy who tucked his tiny hand in mine.  He was my squishy toddler that climbed up in my lap and begged for me to read “Snuggle Puppy” just one more time.  He was my curious little guy who called Isaac “baby Zack” and told me he wanted to marry me someday….and now we are talking about his relationships, long term planning and big stuff – and not hypothetically, but with a purpose and levity that I thought would be far, far in the future.  My 6’5″ baby boy and I now have long talks in the mornings about Jesus, life, dreams and plans.  I LOVE this time and want to rewind the years at the same time.

I am more than proud of the man that God has brought him up to be, in spite of our shortcomings and uncertainty as first time parents.  He is a caring and compassionate man who is still happy to talk to his mom about the big (and small) stuff in his life.  He is responsible, resourceful and kind.  Now if the hands of time can just freeze right here with him being in our home and walking through life as a college student….the idea of him not doing day to day life with me is just not something I’m ready to even think about.

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As expected, life gets in the way of blogging.

I think about blogging often, but usually it’s when I’m in the middle of cooking dinner, or knee deep in mediating an argument between the kiddos, or chauffeuring one of my clan somewhere.  I have lots of ideas, things I know I can and should get out of my head and down in words for me to look back on if nothing else, to remember how and why and what I was feeling as I walked through this season or that….perhaps someday I will get to it all, but for now, this blog seems to get the highs and lows of this crazy life because that’s what I have time for.

This one is a high…and amazing testimony of the goodness of God, an orchestration of our story that only HE could have made happen.  It’s a little bit of a complicated story, so hopefully it makes sense….

A tiny bit of backstory: after a devastating time of financial hardship and poor decisions nine years ago, we began renting a house.  It seemed like a logical choice (until the first time the power went out and it rained…..)and in spite of the many issues we had there, it definitely served the needs of our family as well as multiple foster kiddos for many years.  We lived there for seven years and moved in a hurry nearly two years ago, jumping at the first home which would fit our family that we could find after our rental home flooded for the fifth or sixth time, ruining lots of our furniture.  We had hope that this home would be a permanent move, the landlady was friendly to our desire to buy down the road, and had it written into our lease to have the first “right of purchase”, though it was not a true rent to own.  It became apparent within the first six months or so that this home was not for us to be in forever for  variety of reasons.  Fast forward eighteen months into the lease….

So this past winter/spring we began tinkering with the idea of purchasing a home and looked around a little bit just to see what was out there in our area and price range, to see if it was possible.  We walked through just a few homes, one of which we fell in love with right away.  It had absolutely everything we had hoped for – both on our “have to have” list as well as our “would be nice to have” list and had been on the market for a really long time.  We loved the house, but shortly after walking through we saw it was taken off the market and figured it was not meant to be.

We were fully in faith that God would open or close doors and very much submitted to what He wanted for us, knowing that being in the will of Jesus is the only way to have peace.

We ended up putting the idea of buying on hold – after a couple roadblocks came up which would take a few months to work out as well as wanting to save more for a down payment – and resigned ourselves to renting for a bit longer.

We hoped to simply extend our lease for a few months, but when we were told that wasn’t an option and in fact we were released from our lease as soon as we would like, we began looking for a short term rental.  In the process of the house search, I “accidentally” stumbled upon a photo of the house we really loved from our walk through back in the winter.  It was listed “for sale by owner” and there was an email on the listing.

Ryan and I decided it couldn’t hurt to reach out to the owner of the house and take the risk to explain our situation and ask her if she would at all consider working with us on a land contract/rent to own type of agreement, knowing that the worst that could happen is she say that she wasn’t interested and only wanted to sell or that she just wouldn’t reply.  She immediately replied that YES, she was happy to work with us and we began negotiations.  The owner has been amazing to us.  She is willing to work with us on absolutely everything we have asked and has offered us terms of the agreement that are better than we could have asked for.  The contract has been drawn up by an attorney, a moving date has been set and we are in awe and so, so very excited.

We are watching the doors fly wide open and it’s so exciting, humbling and overwhelming to see God work giving us the desires of our heart.

In just under three weeks, this is going to be our new home.

We are thrilled.  That word seems like an understatement considering how we feel right now but I don’t have the words to explain how I feel seeing God orchestrate every step of this situation….thrilled, blessed, humbled, etc.  We can’t wait to be truly HOME in a place we can make our own.

P.S. (Shameless plug/request for help) Anyone who wants to help us move on Saturday July 22nd or help me pack anytime before that, we would LOVE the extra hands…just get ahold of us for the details. 🙂

So – it’s been a month.  A month since my last blog.  A month since our lives have shifted.  I anticipated that I would say that it’s been really hard, that we are struggling to adapt, and deeply grieving still but actually God has been really gracious to me.  This transition has been filled with peace and so much time to reflect and look at how it will be going forward.

My whole life for the past eighteen years has been wrapped up in baby/toddler care.  We really haven’t had a break from having a baby in our home for the whole of our parenting years.  So the switch to only having a chatty, fiercely independent four year old at home all day has been different….but actually really amazingly great.   For the most part, I enjoy my days with just Bekkah home – she has been our most clingy child all along, she has significant separation anxiety (which is a whole ‘nother blog post!) and I am enjoying the ability to give her my undivided time and attention while the kids are at school.  She “helps” with household tasks, and we do fun spontaneous outings just because.  I enjoy the two mornings a week she goes to school as well – she’s been doing preschool on Tu/Th all year but up until a month ago I had the little peanut here napping or playing.  I am learning how much I love being alone to pray and reflect, read, or whatever.  I crave the silence and really love my mornings to just be me.

It would be remiss to go on without mentioning how we are doing with the grieving process.  So many of you have checked in with me, asking delicately and so lovingly how we are doing with Miss M moving.  I have felt so loved and supported in the midst of this change.  All I can say is that God has really done a work in my heart.

I miss her smile and sweet snuggles, I miss HER, but I don’t miss the work of having a baby/toddler in our home, the work of the additional little person who had to be carried everywhere, of being tied to a nap schedule.  Ryan and I are actually doing very well.  The kids are too for the most part.  Ella and Bekkah still talk about her a lot.  We actually had a morning play date with M last week.  I wasn’t sure how it was going to go….it was hard.  M was sad and confused (which is the LAST thing I wanted to do to her) and wouldn’t let me put her down, so Bek didn’t get her play time until the very end.

When we dropped her off, she wriggled out of my arms and ran to her mama.  Then down to play where she clearly felt at home and comfortable.  It was awkward, but so good to see.  Those are her people.  That is her home, where she can smile and run around and  be herself.  She successfully transferred attachment to another family, which has always been the goal.  Such a hard but seriously good morning for me to walk through.  I’m sure there will be more days like that, but hopefully as time passes she forgets the confusing parts and we can just play and be in her life.  Time is the healer of all these open wounds, it truly is.

And now we look at the other end of the parenting spectrum, with our oldest son graduating from high school in just a few more weeks, then leaving for the summer to work at a camp, and turning 18.  It is incredible to me that we have a child who is about to be an adult.  Absolutely incredible.  Lots more on that later (to Andrew’s chagrin, I’m sure).

Emotional days around this house….good stuff, but full, full of deep emotion…..

So as most of you know, we have made a massive shift in our family dynamic over the past week.  After over a decade of foster parenting, where we pretty much consistently had an infant or toddler in our home via our revolving door, we have closed the door to that chapter of our lives and are moving forward with our eight lovely blessings.

With that amazingly difficult decision, which we made some time ago, came the eventual moving out of our tiniest little lady, who we had in our home from her birth fourteen months ago until ten days ago, where she moved to a pre-adoptive home.  This process has been immensely difficult for our family.  Although we had many children come in and out of our home, this was the first infant that we had for such a long time that didn’t stay forever.  Most of our other baby placements had been in and out within a matter of a few weeks to a few months, and all but one that we had we KNEW early on that they would be leaving us either reunifying with their birth parents, or moving to another family member.

I have so much I want to say on this subject, to unpack so much of what I’m feeling in words, but with the grief being relatively fresh I am fairly confident most of what I would say right now would be an emotional mess.  But let me just say this –

The number one thing people have said when they find out we were foster parents to mostly babies, or are considering foster care at all, is how we can bear to give them up.  Seriously, I can’t go anywhere or talk to most anyone (outside of the foster family community) without that coming up in one way or another.  I have replied in many different ways, but the thing I mostly want to say is this:

Yes, it hurts when a child you have grown to love leaves (I am not a robot).

Yes, our children are affected….but they have gained so much more than they have lost.

And more than anything, above it all – absolutely, she was worth the pain I’m feeling right now.  It was my privilege to love her unconditionally for the first year of her life and to teach her to attach to a loving mom, to teach her that it’s safe to be loved, and to entangle my heart up with hers because every child deserves to know that kind of love……the kind of crawl up in your parent’s lap and fall asleep knowing you’re safe kind of love…..the wobbly, teetering steps lunging from one sibling to mom and knowing they won’t let you fall kind of love.

It was worth it.  Every little bit of sadness and every tear shed means I did my job well, she was loved fully like a baby should be, and we miss her now that she’s gone.

Her new family is amazing.  I love them so much, they are and have been very good friends of ours for a long time.  God could not have orchestrated this story any better.  I will brag on the timing and awesome way God has constructed her story forever….and best of all I get to be a doting and loving “auntie” to this baby girl for the rest of her life.

And so….we grieve for a moment, mourning the little life that was ours to love for just over a year, for a moment in time, allowing ourselves to cry and feel sad and miss her….and then we look forward to what God has for us in this next phase of life.

Annnnd I’m baaaaccccckkkkk……

As I expected, life is getting in the way of my blogging.  I think about it most every day but the day flies by with the everyday demands of life with my tribe and I fall into bed exhausted every night.  I keep wanting to set time aside to blog when it’s quiet and I can hear myself think, but that’s not the reality of my life right now.  So here it is – a blog post I’m writing on a Friday afternoon at 5pm when everyone is screaming, playing, making messes, etc around me as I attempt to write.  Because if I wait for it to be perfect timing I will never get my thoughts down and I have so many things ruminating around in my heart that I need to get out….edited to add that now it’s Sunday afternoon – Friday was a big fat fail –  Ryan is working and the same things as above are happening but I’m committed to getting this blog DONE….

So, back to the introductions with my precious ladies….

Ella Rose: I absolutely will not be able to write about her without crying.  After two boys in a row, God answered my heart’s cry for a princess to raise.  Ella is an absolute heaven-sent blessing of God to me, and she has been for her entire life.  At almost 14 years old and in 8th grade, she is in the most frustrating age/season of life but she is mostly handling it with grace and poise, with only the occasional weeping dramatic crying episode.  She is truly my right arm, being an amazingly kind and compassionate big sister to all the littles that look up to her worshipfully.  She’s learning to cook and bake, 100% capable at baby and child care, and is so incredibly helpful to me with the most precious heart about it(cue the tears).  I never want her to grow up.  Ella is beautiful and graceful.  She’s been a dancer for over ten years now and she is passionate and committed to her craft.  She’s an introvert until you see her on stage…where the sass and personality come out easily.  I love the paradox that she is and am so thrilled to be allowed a front row seat to witness her becoming all God intends for her to be.

Olivia Mae: This shy beauty just turned twelve – what?  My baby girl, the last child I physically bore, and my easiest baby by a long shot is now almost a teen, and in middle school.  So crazy.  Livy is painfully reserved, but if you can get past that quiet exterior, she is hilarious, sensitive, really smart, and passionate about a lot of things.  She is our athlete, playing soccer and participating on the archery team.  I know she feels awkward generally in life right now, but she is growing into an amazing woman who I am so very proud of.  I feel like parenting Liv continues to be a lesson in gentleness and perseverance.  I am forever trying to get her to open up and talk to me more – whether it’s about what’s going on in school or what’s brewing deep in the recesses of her heart, I SO love to hear what she is thinking about and feeling.  I am always worried I am going to hurt her and have her shut me out entirely, so I push forward with Liv with much softness and patience.  I adore her….call her my baby all the time (as she rolls her soulful blue eyes at me)….and …and….I don’t know how to end this description.  I love you Liv.

Hannah Grace: This tiny peanut will be six in just a few weeks.  Hannah came to us as a shy, painfully sad toddler of 18 months who had seen and experienced more than any of us should have in a lifetime.  It will likely take us her whole childhood for her to learn to trust us completely and understand how desperately we (and Jesus) love her, but we will keep at it, no matter what.  Every child deserves to know deep in their heart that they are adored.  Hannah is so much more than what meets the eye.  She can be snuggly and sweet, feisty and conniving….just depending on the day.  She loves her siblings, playing dress up, shopkins and house.  She and Bekkah are good buddies, sharing well and playing for hours in their own little world.  Hannah is in kindergarten and thriving in school.  She makes friends easily and is so thrilled to be learning to read.  Hannah is still very much a mystery to me, which I am unpacking and peeling off layers of each day.  I am still in awe that God entrusted us with this tiny soul, and know He will show us each day just what she needs to know how deep and wide His love is for her.

Rebekkah Hope: Annnnnnnnd rounding out the caboose of our family is my sweet little Bekkah-boo, the “baby” with the big personality.  This girl has had my heart from day one.  We were called to take placement of her for a weekend, which turned into long term and into forever.  We have called her velcro baby since the start since she is attached to my hip.  Even now as I’m typing this blog, she’s sitting on the arm of the recliner where I’m sitting.  She always needs to know where I am, what I’m doing and why she isn’t a part of it.  This girl loves to play with her sibs or whichever foster baby who happens to be staying with us, has something to say about everything, and charms every person she meets.  She used to be really reserved – not anymore! – she is happy to have her two cents heard about any topic, and she has an opinion about most everything.  Bekkah really is a true JOY to my heart.  I feel fiercely protective of this sweet munchkin and all that’s bubbling up out of her every day.  I’m so thankful she’s my caboose so I can slow down and enjoy every silly phrase and giggle.  I truly am enjoying every moment.

That’s all folks.  This blog took me three days to get out of my heart, and now it’s time to publish…next up I think I’ll share some thoughts about our why to foster care and where we are at with things wrapping up in that phase of our life. 🙂