So as most of you know, we have made a massive shift in our family dynamic over the past week.  After over a decade of foster parenting, where we pretty much consistently had an infant or toddler in our home via our revolving door, we have closed the door to that chapter of our lives and are moving forward with our eight lovely blessings.

With that amazingly difficult decision, which we made some time ago, came the eventual moving out of our tiniest little lady, who we had in our home from her birth fourteen months ago until ten days ago, where she moved to a pre-adoptive home.  This process has been immensely difficult for our family.  Although we had many children come in and out of our home, this was the first infant that we had for such a long time that didn’t stay forever.  Most of our other baby placements had been in and out within a matter of a few weeks to a few months, and all but one that we had we KNEW early on that they would be leaving us either reunifying with their birth parents, or moving to another family member.

I have so much I want to say on this subject, to unpack so much of what I’m feeling in words, but with the grief being relatively fresh I am fairly confident most of what I would say right now would be an emotional mess.  But let me just say this –

The number one thing people have said when they find out we were foster parents to mostly babies, or are considering foster care at all, is how we can bear to give them up.  Seriously, I can’t go anywhere or talk to most anyone (outside of the foster family community) without that coming up in one way or another.  I have replied in many different ways, but the thing I mostly want to say is this:

Yes, it hurts when a child you have grown to love leaves (I am not a robot).

Yes, our children are affected….but they have gained so much more than they have lost.

And more than anything, above it all – absolutely, she was worth the pain I’m feeling right now.  It was my privilege to love her unconditionally for the first year of her life and to teach her to attach to a loving mom, to teach her that it’s safe to be loved, and to entangle my heart up with hers because every child deserves to know that kind of love……the kind of crawl up in your parent’s lap and fall asleep knowing you’re safe kind of love…..the wobbly, teetering steps lunging from one sibling to mom and knowing they won’t let you fall kind of love.

It was worth it.  Every little bit of sadness and every tear shed means I did my job well, she was loved fully like a baby should be, and we miss her now that she’s gone.

Her new family is amazing.  I love them so much, they are and have been very good friends of ours for a long time.  God could not have orchestrated this story any better.  I will brag on the timing and awesome way God has constructed her story forever….and best of all I get to be a doting and loving “auntie” to this baby girl for the rest of her life.

And so….we grieve for a moment, mourning the little life that was ours to love for just over a year, for a moment in time, allowing ourselves to cry and feel sad and miss her….and then we look forward to what God has for us in this next phase of life.